


Eye of the Beholder

by Raaj



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Gen, Insecurity, Narcissus - Freeform, Post-November 20 Interrogation (Persona 5), playing a bit with personas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:48:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23381188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raaj/pseuds/Raaj
Summary: Looking through Narcissus' eyes, Ren can see something he likes.
Comments: 17
Kudos: 124





	Eye of the Beholder

Ren snorts after discovering what the classically handsome, mostly naked shadow with a flower growing out of its blond head calls itself. Of course the conceptualization of Narcissus would be found on Shido's boat. It must have been drawn to the man's titanic ego, a case of like calling to like; the shadow is still oozing self-confidence as it acquiesces and becomes another of Ren's personas. _I suppose I can help when you need me,_ it simpers, as if Ren would consider letting it take up space in his head just to lounge around and think it looks pretty. Just the idea makes him roll his eyes behind his mask. The personas of the Lovers arcana can certainly be confident in themselves, bolstering the flirtatiousness some of them show, but Narcissus takes it a few steps beyond to self-involved. Good thing he already has a strong bond with Ann that no longer needs help from personas, because he's really not sure how he could associate Narcissus with her, besides the fact that they're both blondes. He should see if fusing Narcissus will create anything interesting. After they're done here.

The infiltration goes as normally as it can in a Palace full of statues that turn people into mice. It's aggravating and tiring, and they've only gotten up to letter number three by the time everyone is worn out, but that's--not good, but manageable. There's still about two weeks before the election, and Ren sets himself down to schedule those in coded shorthand in his probation diary (which means the code is "I'm a good boy, honest") while he and everyone else gets their breath back in the safe room. Then Ann catches his eye. Or rather, the compact mirror she's holding with one hand as the other brushes her wild hair back into order.

"Panther. Can I borrow that?"

"My brush?"

Not like he'd need one when he's just going to pull a hood over his head as soon as he leaves the Palace. He shakes his head. "Mirror."

"Oh! Here," she says, passing it over without a second of hesitation. Though she does add, "Don't worry, you look just fine," with a cheeky smile.

He's surprised to find he agrees. There's a mark on his cheek from the interrogation still, mending but plain as day, plus the sweat from the day's work. It's obvious he's tired, his eyelids starting to droop. Yet he feels more awake as his eyes roam over points of his face. His fatigue, the sweat, the mark, those things are all temporary, and he can look past them to the shape of his face, the set of his cheekbones. The wild curls of his hair. The thought he had when he first caught sight of himself in the compact mirror comes back.

 _Beautiful._ It's not a thought he's had often before in regards to himself; he knows he can look good, but it takes a certain affectation, an effort to make it look effortless. This is spontaneous, natural. It probably ties back to Narcissus. 'I am thou, thou art damn fine' and all. So maybe that really makes it unnatural? Considering he found Narcissus inside the psyche of a man whose egotism could ruin the entire country in the near future.

But there's nothing wrong about this feeling. It's good for him to appreciate himself. He _should_ appreciate himself. He winds a curl of hair around one finger before letting it go and tracing his jawline instead. He's worked so hard, been through so much shit, and he still looks good.

"--Joker?"

Ah. The sound of his name startles him out of his fascination to realize that Ann and now Makoto are staring at him. Haru is preoccupied, talking with Ryuji, but she glances over with thinly veiled curiosity herself. Yusuke makes no disguise of his own interest, fingers framing Ren. Closing the compact and passing it back to Ann, he gives the artist a smug smirk, something he would do anyway in this situation, but surprises himself with: "I'd ask you to paint me, but I'm already a work of art."

"Indeed," Yusuke agrees, disarming in his complete frankness. He drops his hands. "I have been wrestling for some time now with the question of how one would adequately capture your essence. You had an interesting expression just then. Might I ask what you were thinking of?"

The honest answer is 'himself', which makes Ren's cheeks grow hot. Right. The myth of Narcissus is where the English term 'narcissist' comes from; he's starting to act self-absorbed, and he needs to toss this persona out soon, as he has with a few others. He knows that all of them simply reflect different aspects of his personality, that none of them are truly alien to his being, but over taking in dozens and dozens of personas, a small handful have managed to throw him off-kilter with just how much they exaggerate certain traits. There's a fine line between 'self-assured' and 'obnoxious', and Narcissus is going to make him cross it. "Lost track of my thoughts," he fibs.

"It looked like you got lost in your own eyes," Ann teases. "They are pretty ones."

"Just as lovely as yours."

"Man, are you complimenting her or yourself there?" Ryuji's caught what distracted Haru and is now hooked on the conversation himself.

On the other hand, Morgana looks uneasy now, so it's better if they cut this short. Besides, there's a persona to execute. Ren shoots Ryuji a grin and a little half-shrug, a non-verbal 'you decide', and then stands from the chair. "Everyone good to go? Let's start heading out. I'll be last. Need to sort my personas."

He keeps the visit to the Velvet Room short. The others might worry if he doesn't follow them out into the real world quickly enough. Justine is always efficient at listing his options for fusion, so it's just a quick scan through the list to pick Scathach as Narcissus' unlucky partner, producing Norn, an overseer of fate. Her appearance as a woman atop an ornate clock is familiar: he fought her in Sae's Casino. Her temperament is level compared to Scathach's sharp wit and Narcissus' outsized ego, the two seemingly spliced to create a pride tempered by knowledge of things greater than man and perhaps even herself. Yes, Norn will keep him in line, and he leaves the Velvet Room satisfied. Morgana wriggles into his bag as soon as he's out in the real world, and they make their way through the cityscape of Tokyo, passing dozens and dozens of windows and reflective surfaces on their way back to Leblanc.

And the first time Ren catches his image being mirrored back to himself, he kind of wants to laugh. Huddling under a hood with a big mark on his face, yeah, real pretty. He's got to grin at just how strange Narcissus' way of thinking was. He smiles a little again the second time he catches his mug in the glass, and the third, too.

By the fourth time, though, it's not funny. His eyes flick away from the window, and he presses his fingers against the bruise on his face. Not too hard, because Takemi will be annoyed if he picks at injuries, but just hard enough to feel a throb of pain that reminds him how much of his face it covers. It's so ugly. Ann probably played along with his little burst of vanity to be kind. And Yusuke, well, his fascination with Mementos shows the artist can find inspiration even in the grotesque. Ren's a real work of art, sure, painted in black and blue and purple and yellow and white, too white, too pale.

He keeps his eyes away from reflections after that. Ever since...that night, his face has been a mess, and looking at it just makes him feel the mess inside, anger and rage and fear and shame. Why should he feel ashamed? That's a mess in itself, and trying to pick it apart just makes the cage rattling in his chest feel tighter.

Maybe...next time he comes across Narcissus, he'll keep him. If the options are being a little obnoxious or hating to look at himself, the others can cut him some slack.

**Author's Note:**

> This has been in my drafts for well over half a year. The draft actually has--hm--4,656 words, because this was intended to be the start of something a bit longer (spoilers: using Narcissus as a bandage to slap over insecurity was going to Cause Problems), but it stumped me for so long that I figure it'd be simplest to post the part I like as a one-shot.


End file.
